It was something that happened in a moment that changed her. And it changed everything else. My Mom had a stroke. A STROKE. She went from being extremely active and independent to not being able to touch her nose, feed herself or sit up on her own.
Her stroke pushed me past my limits. I was forced to switch roles without a warning. I didn't get the opportunity to weigh in on the situation. My right to choose was revoked. I instantly became her advocate, her defender and it was hard...really hard. Did I mention that it was hard? I can't even begin to imagine how she felt.
Nausea and a severe case of vertigo were symptoms of the stroke. She constantly felt like she was spinning and falling. She was spinning....and so was I. Lord please make it stop
Prior to the "moment", my devotion was sweet and intimate. I was surrounded by God's presence. He was well aware that I would need what He was depositing in my storehouse. He knew that in the coming days our time would be almost be nonexistent. Those times with the Lord prevented me from completely falling apart. But fear, anxiety, worry, frustration, mental and physical exhaustion this is not a good combination crept in. I felt every emotion except for peace.
And then, after several days, the Lord called me into His counsel. He lifted the heaviness of it all so that I could focus on Him. Of course, I wanted to talk about what was going on, you know the elephant in the room. But no. His words were, "You've moved outside of my peace circle." heavy sigh Don't you just love it when you're waiting and needing to hear from God about one thing and He has a completely different agenda? respectful side eye
It wasn't what I expected or wanted to hear, but it was true.
Somehow I arrived at the notion that my Mom's health and recovery was solely my responsibility. I was doing things in my own strength and sinking under the weight. How had I ignored 1 Peter 5:7? I was supposed to cast not carry. God had sweetly enveloped me with His presence and peace months before but, I stepped outside of his circle. Take it from me, you don't want to go outside of his covering. it’s crazy out there
Desperate to get back to a place of safety, I repented for not allowing the Lord to reign over my life and circumstances. I tried to make my own way so, that was on the list along with a whole lot of other unspiritual things. Lord have mercy
Then, I started reminding myself of who God really is. Not some small wimpy being but, a BIG God that can do...."far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of - infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes." - Ephesians 3:20 TLB. Chew on that for a moment. It's delicious right? And then, I resumed my position of worship and gradually water started flowing in my desert.
What’s your "moment"? Have you lost your job or received a bad report from the doctor? Are you experiencing a broken relationship, caring for an aging parent or just downright overwhelmed with life? Whatever it is, I'm praying that God will hold you close and give you his peace while he does what seems impossible.
Remember there's a seat reserved in the Peace Circle just for you. I pray that you will join me there.
Your Sister Friend,